June 14th, 2008
When I started this article it was my intent to ask a simple question and answer it with what I do as a girl or woman. But then circumstances gave me an opportunity to show both sides of the coin as what it can be like to be in transition and how daily coping skills are a very important part in this life.
I woke once again having not magically changed overnight into the physical woman that I long to be. But, I am being told that I am well on my way. My girlfriends tell me I look great and that I am beautiful, which I very much appreciate. I am being accepted into the world of womanhood as I have always dreamed of, so that part of my dream is coming true for me. I bumped into my doctor the other day and she said that I was looking very happy and healthy.
But there is another part of being a woman that I rarely see in the women that I either know through work or deal with as a person in the public world. That seems to be that they forget how to be girls. I know that everyday life takes its toll, with family, boyfriends or husbands, work life and so on it is easy to forget what it was like to just have some fun with your everyday self. Some of us girls were talking about this the other day and one said that it was because men and family sent the message to grow up from early on. Another girl said that she does still do things like play Barbie with her daughters and that they have "slumber parties" together, that is great to do but that isn't quite what I'm talking about here. For example, I get a lot of compliments on my nails. Some would probably think I go to the nail salon everyday and that may happen eventually since it only costs about $5.00 to change your colors, but I don't I just take the time and frustration of doing them myself most of the time. Hmmmm, reduced frustration and being pampered a little, maybe I will start doing that.
The thing is that I have fun with them; I change colors often to kind of match whatever colors that I am wearing that day or if my mood suits me to change the color. I will also mix colors on my nails just to get something very different, like today I have a bright red metal flake base with a deeper red metal flake tips. I know I would be doing something different with my hair if I could, but that’s a whole nightmare on its own, so I won't go there.
My makeup is another area of fun, not only is it to make my appearance look better, but I go as far as mixing different shades for different effects, I will also use different tones of blushes and eye shadows that will compliment my intended look.
One time just after I came out I had a woman at work approach me and whispered that my shade of makeup was to dark for my skin tone. I whispered back "I know, but I don't play by the rules" The look I got was priceless, she was at first shocked but then realized that the rules are meant to be stretched if not broken. It is OK to be different and to have some fun with things and that there are practical times to change up things to be a little or even more dramatic and that is what I am saying about being a girl and not just a woman. Have fun with things like you used to do when you were in your teens. I am not saying this as if in trying to be someone you're not (like a 50 year old acting like a 15 year old), but as woman with history and time on her side who knows what it is like to be a girl too. I have noticed a few "girls" at work that have picked up on this and have started to let out the inner girl once again and it is fun to see and another thing that I've observed is that the guys notice too, believe it or not, but some of them actually do notice.
I was having a conversation with a co-worker one day this week and at some point the question came up about the stages of transition, I hadn't realized that there were any but I guess in this context there could be, let's see? Questioning of gender for however long stage, then the counseling phase, the acceptance phase, the starting out phase (this part is one of the most difficult for many, because even though the desire has always been there. the learning and opportunities have been missing), next is the coming out stage (just as difficult and probably the most frightening stage, then the puberty stage (which is where I think I am right now) where things are changing and reactions can be all over the place, and then the final stage where everything is done and you are the woman that you should have been to begin with.
Anyway, she asked the question about my development and if I planned on having augmentation done. I said no, although I honestly have thought about it, but my doctor said that I may want to wait for a couple years or until after I have had any surgeries because I will more than likely develop more between now and after having my surgery, there is normally even more development because the body chemistry changes even more drastically, kind of like being in puberty and developing at your own natural pace. That makes sense to me because if I did get it done to the size I would like to be and then developed even more and got bigger, then I would be faced with getting things reduced. So the practical side of me says why pay for it twice.
But the question in itself to me said that I have reached an acceptance point with this person as being a woman. It was the type of conversation that two women would have, without any judgmental thoughts going on about motives. Even though the question would normally be considered as being very private, it also at that time made me feel very special in that I was being accepted as a person that I had dreamed of and desired to be as long as I could remember.
So with all that being said, Remember girls, have some fun, be yourself and try to not let the world dictate what you should be doing or how you should look every minute of the day.
Yesterday was Friday the 13th and of course something is bound to happen to me, it never fails and it did. I’m just not sure how I should be feeling about it though. These are fairly good examples of what things can be like when one is in transition. My first example is that a woman I know at work came up to me and said that she had liked the way I had worn my hair the other day, she thought it looked good on me, cool compliment, THANK YOU..
But then example two goes to the opposite side of the scale with an guy I've known for quite awhile and has been quite the sparing verbalist in the past came up and in our conversation made a comment about my thinning hair and that instead of paying for augmentation (which has never been any part of any conversation that I have ever had with him) that I should spend the money on a hair transplant. I was shocked but responded quickly with a comment of some type that basically said bring it on and told him that I already had one of the best in the country on it. Anyway, it was over the line and uncalled for. It also makes me wonder just how accepting someone really is. The damage that this causes is that I will never quite trust him quite as much anymore. I would like to think knowing him, that he intended it to be a joke, although a bad joke, but it is too late, the damage is done, I will see him in a different light from now on.
A third example is being questioned about the voice, almost daily someone will ask me about my voice. I do not have a deep voice to begin with but it isn't as higher pitched as most women's voices are either. In fact since I started my transition my voice has changed some and now registers in a higher pitch than it used to. The thing is that first off I will not have vocal surgery because of the risk that it won't work to begin with, (the odds are 50/50 if it does work for most people) and secondly, the costs vs the benefit aren't worth it to me. So that leaves using a "voice coach" and learning to talk in the same tones and rhythm that women do. But why, to me it is not being my true self and I figure I'd rather be myself opposed to being someone I'm not and as I just mentioned my HRT seems to be helping in that area also, so why not wait it out and see how much it does change on its own. It isn't necessary to be pointing out something that is obvious to the person already, so why do it.
I can tell you as a transgender we are the harshest critics of ourselves that anyone could ever be. We have picked every little detail out about ourselves that you can think of and may have even blown it out of portion, but we are very aware of our flaws and the things that we want to change that will help us become the women that we should be and to have them "pointed out" is not only rude, but it is also crosses the line when it comes to the acceptance of that person, it really is no different than saying you look like a "guy in a dress", which is cruel and demeaning to the person.
The best example of how offensive that these kind of things can be can be is the comparison of using the term "she_male" as being the same as using the "N" word to a black person. A transgender is by no means a "she_male" which is term coined by the porn industry and as a topic can be an article at some point in its own right. But for right now believe me it is wrong and shouldn't be tolerated by anyone just as the simple pointing out of flaws that are considered as being male. We are very aware of these flaws and do not need to be reminded.
I am also enough of a realist to know that people talk, it is human nature to do so. I'm also pretty sure that in those conversations that may be about me there are comments made that I would find offensive if said to my face. What I wonder about at times is if I am defended when those kind of remarks are made by someone. I know that a couple of my BFF's have flat out told others that it was a uncalled for remark or told them not to speak ill about me in front of them and those that do will face their wrath.
The whole thing that gets me is that if this is in the work place it is considered taboo to talk about others in these kinds of ways, but as human beings we do it even though there is always the risk of being reported to HR or management. Then there is the whole new can of worms to be opened if something is reported to management, Unfortunately, I've noticed that often the reactions of management is to downplay the situation or offense, is this due to their own discomfort with the person or situation, is it due to a lack of training on how to response to these situations, I'm not sure which one it may be, maybe both, but it happens way too often.
I am aware that to make a accusation is not something to be done lightly. Accusing someone of crossing the line is serious stuff and it can not only cost them, but it also puts the transgender even more so in the spotlight in a negative way. Would I report someone who crosses the line as far as my transition, Yes, I would, without hesitation, but over every little thing, never.
To go through this, not only is the therapy that you undergo about discovering if you do have GID and what to do about it, but a big part of it is also about how you will cope with these types of issues when they do arise if you do decide to transition.
I feel that I have very strong coping skills, after all here I am living as a openly transgendered woman who is writing about this whole experience. I feel that I can deal with the slings and arrows of daily life, but I am also still a human being who does have feelings and sometimes those arrows penetrate just a little deeper than other times.
It is important to remember regardless of who the person is that they have feelings just as you do and what you say or how you treat them will have a very direct impact on how they view themselves but also how they will view you as a person. (All Rights Reserved)
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
What about family and friends? How does one deal with that
The other morning a question was posed to me that did get me to thinking about my transition in terms that I hadn't thought about lately and I appreciate the question because it is important to remember.
It was about my last blog and it did indeed bring up more questions. The answers there are from my perspective and experiences.
That question was, Is it always so easy to transition from one gender to another?
I have to say no, it is not easy at all for anyone to transition from one gender to another, you just know that it is something that is driving you and that you do need to do. Some people know from the time that they are little kids and constantly fight to be that person regardless of what anyone else says. But the large majority of people struggle and deny this fact about themselves for years before reaching a point where it overshadows just about everything in their lives.
This of course does have its own effect as far as how your life may have been different, but an even more costly effect is that on the family members, especially if the transgender has been in denial for years.
It is extremely important to remember that to family and even close friends this is in a sense very much like a death to them. They will experience very much all of the same emotions that one suffers with such a lost. This is the same as being the lost of a parent, sibling or friend. There will be denial, anger, loss, and hopefully acceptance at some level. Hopefully there will be acceptance early on, but one does need to be understanding if it doesn't happen overnight. So another part of this process is patience on the transitioning persons' part. It is very important to be honest as possible without trying to dictate how they should be blindly accepting of you, whenever you are dealing with those individuals. They are entitled to their emotions and need that time to adjust and go through those stages.
For the sake of being able to answer the question as fully as I can, I am going to get very personal at this time. One of my biggest fears is the idea of losing my son, his wife and my granddaughter over my need to transition. Some of my greatest and happiest moments in my life are around these three people. Every moment of the birth of my son has been etched into my mind and heart, nothing can ever replace that. Then the birth of my granddaughter came along and pushed itself in next to his birth. So now there are two memories that I will never lose. When he introduced me to his then girlfriend and now wife I was overjoyed for him and my granddaughter. This woman that he married was the blessing that I had hoped for him for so long. She is a wonderful and strong woman that has worked alongside of him in raising a beautiful young lady and now that special place has three much cherished memories. With the announcement that a second grandchild is on the way there will be four moments in my life that cannot be replaced by anything.
This has all happened despite my own failings as parent. It is very hard for a child of anyone to feel any consistency when they have a parent who is constantly being pulled by a inner drive that they don't even understand and suddenly years later comes the shock that in a sense that their parent isn't who they thought they were. The only emotions that I can remotely come up with for someone who is not a transgender is the one if they were adopted and never told until years later and I don't know if that would be enough of a shock to match the shock one feels when someone tells their family that they are about to change their gender.
In my case I constantly fluctuated back and forth between genders that whole time but under the guise of being gay, because that was the way I had interpreted my GID, not knowing that it was something completely different. I pretty much hid my need to be a female knowing that it was just something that I wanted but I also had responsibilities and couldn't be because I was born in this body that said I wasn't a female.
I was also very careful not to "put it in his face" but be respectful of him and his friends so I wouldn't embarrass him too much. I know that this does sound like an excuse but it is not.
It was the reality that I and because he is my son we both had to deal with. The behaviors that grew out of the denial vs need were very destructive and he as well as I both paid a price.
The fact that he has turned out to be such a good man with a family that most would envy speaks volumes of the human ability to persevere thru adversity. But now that I have fully started my transition a whole new set issues arise and need to be addressed, like I said this is very much like a death and time is the only thing that can heal the wounds that this can cause. It would be absolutely wonderful if there was total acceptance from the very first moment but people process things differently and at different rates. Also in this case because of my granddaughters' age that needs to be taken into consideration. How much would she understand about her grandpa changing like this.
In no way would I ever expect or require them to call me mom or grandma. To my thinking this would be so very disrespectful to not only those individuals, but also to my son his wife and my granddaughter.
So what do they call me? Even though I am different now I will still always be dad or grandpa to these people and in all fairness I cannot take that away from them, especially if I desire to continue my relationship with them.
If they determine that they need to address me by my new name and there will be times that it may be necessary, that will also be ok with me. I think that it would be appropriate when in public settings. It would respectful to me to do so under those circumstances.
The fact that they do acknowledge my change and are as being as supportive as they can be given the circumstances, that is really all I can ask for at this time. I need to let them have their grief or feelings of confusion and lost and come to their own level of acceptance.
Does this make it any easier? Of course not, transition is one of the most difficult and dangerous decisions that a person can make in their lives. The possibility of loss is so great that there are many who do not even try, but for those few that do, it is because the drive is so strong to have their mind and body match that they are willing to risk everything. I have often said that "This is not something that you wake one morning and do on a whim." To not recognize its effect on others is very selfish and self-centered.
This very thought has been pointed out to me often by one person who is not as supportive as I had hoped or thought would be. In fact, they have refused to acknowledge certain portions my transition and at times it seems that they go out of their way to point out certain things to me. This behavior is not acceptable and very disrespectful, although they claim to be a very honest and respectful individual. Again I think a large part of this is their lashing out at something that they do not understand or are in denial that it is real and it being a part of that grieving process,
There is one more emotion that I have not talked about that is a very large part of this and that is the feelings of betrayal that can manifest. The people around you can very much feel that they have been betrayed by you when you start transition. Think about it, here are people that have known this one person for years and then suddenly that person is not who they say they are, they may still look the same for the most part but they have also changed and expect you to catch up to them now. My therapist explained this as being one of those situations where as a transgender, you have been this one person inside of themselves for years and now that she is finally allowed to come out there is an unrealistic expectation that everyone else has to catch up and recognize this new person over night. One thing that is important to recognize is that this is not a thing of being dishonest with those around you, but it does create feelings that are very similar to those of being lied to and betrayed. Just remember the transgender has been pretty much lying to themselves for a lot longer time.
So everyone is different and every situation is unique to the people involved, but being respectful and mindful of the uniqueness of each situation will very often help ease the pain.
(All Rights Reserved)
It was about my last blog and it did indeed bring up more questions. The answers there are from my perspective and experiences.
That question was, Is it always so easy to transition from one gender to another?
I have to say no, it is not easy at all for anyone to transition from one gender to another, you just know that it is something that is driving you and that you do need to do. Some people know from the time that they are little kids and constantly fight to be that person regardless of what anyone else says. But the large majority of people struggle and deny this fact about themselves for years before reaching a point where it overshadows just about everything in their lives.
This of course does have its own effect as far as how your life may have been different, but an even more costly effect is that on the family members, especially if the transgender has been in denial for years.
It is extremely important to remember that to family and even close friends this is in a sense very much like a death to them. They will experience very much all of the same emotions that one suffers with such a lost. This is the same as being the lost of a parent, sibling or friend. There will be denial, anger, loss, and hopefully acceptance at some level. Hopefully there will be acceptance early on, but one does need to be understanding if it doesn't happen overnight. So another part of this process is patience on the transitioning persons' part. It is very important to be honest as possible without trying to dictate how they should be blindly accepting of you, whenever you are dealing with those individuals. They are entitled to their emotions and need that time to adjust and go through those stages.
For the sake of being able to answer the question as fully as I can, I am going to get very personal at this time. One of my biggest fears is the idea of losing my son, his wife and my granddaughter over my need to transition. Some of my greatest and happiest moments in my life are around these three people. Every moment of the birth of my son has been etched into my mind and heart, nothing can ever replace that. Then the birth of my granddaughter came along and pushed itself in next to his birth. So now there are two memories that I will never lose. When he introduced me to his then girlfriend and now wife I was overjoyed for him and my granddaughter. This woman that he married was the blessing that I had hoped for him for so long. She is a wonderful and strong woman that has worked alongside of him in raising a beautiful young lady and now that special place has three much cherished memories. With the announcement that a second grandchild is on the way there will be four moments in my life that cannot be replaced by anything.
This has all happened despite my own failings as parent. It is very hard for a child of anyone to feel any consistency when they have a parent who is constantly being pulled by a inner drive that they don't even understand and suddenly years later comes the shock that in a sense that their parent isn't who they thought they were. The only emotions that I can remotely come up with for someone who is not a transgender is the one if they were adopted and never told until years later and I don't know if that would be enough of a shock to match the shock one feels when someone tells their family that they are about to change their gender.
In my case I constantly fluctuated back and forth between genders that whole time but under the guise of being gay, because that was the way I had interpreted my GID, not knowing that it was something completely different. I pretty much hid my need to be a female knowing that it was just something that I wanted but I also had responsibilities and couldn't be because I was born in this body that said I wasn't a female.
I was also very careful not to "put it in his face" but be respectful of him and his friends so I wouldn't embarrass him too much. I know that this does sound like an excuse but it is not.
It was the reality that I and because he is my son we both had to deal with. The behaviors that grew out of the denial vs need were very destructive and he as well as I both paid a price.
The fact that he has turned out to be such a good man with a family that most would envy speaks volumes of the human ability to persevere thru adversity. But now that I have fully started my transition a whole new set issues arise and need to be addressed, like I said this is very much like a death and time is the only thing that can heal the wounds that this can cause. It would be absolutely wonderful if there was total acceptance from the very first moment but people process things differently and at different rates. Also in this case because of my granddaughters' age that needs to be taken into consideration. How much would she understand about her grandpa changing like this.
In no way would I ever expect or require them to call me mom or grandma. To my thinking this would be so very disrespectful to not only those individuals, but also to my son his wife and my granddaughter.
So what do they call me? Even though I am different now I will still always be dad or grandpa to these people and in all fairness I cannot take that away from them, especially if I desire to continue my relationship with them.
If they determine that they need to address me by my new name and there will be times that it may be necessary, that will also be ok with me. I think that it would be appropriate when in public settings. It would respectful to me to do so under those circumstances.
The fact that they do acknowledge my change and are as being as supportive as they can be given the circumstances, that is really all I can ask for at this time. I need to let them have their grief or feelings of confusion and lost and come to their own level of acceptance.
Does this make it any easier? Of course not, transition is one of the most difficult and dangerous decisions that a person can make in their lives. The possibility of loss is so great that there are many who do not even try, but for those few that do, it is because the drive is so strong to have their mind and body match that they are willing to risk everything. I have often said that "This is not something that you wake one morning and do on a whim." To not recognize its effect on others is very selfish and self-centered.
This very thought has been pointed out to me often by one person who is not as supportive as I had hoped or thought would be. In fact, they have refused to acknowledge certain portions my transition and at times it seems that they go out of their way to point out certain things to me. This behavior is not acceptable and very disrespectful, although they claim to be a very honest and respectful individual. Again I think a large part of this is their lashing out at something that they do not understand or are in denial that it is real and it being a part of that grieving process,
There is one more emotion that I have not talked about that is a very large part of this and that is the feelings of betrayal that can manifest. The people around you can very much feel that they have been betrayed by you when you start transition. Think about it, here are people that have known this one person for years and then suddenly that person is not who they say they are, they may still look the same for the most part but they have also changed and expect you to catch up to them now. My therapist explained this as being one of those situations where as a transgender, you have been this one person inside of themselves for years and now that she is finally allowed to come out there is an unrealistic expectation that everyone else has to catch up and recognize this new person over night. One thing that is important to recognize is that this is not a thing of being dishonest with those around you, but it does create feelings that are very similar to those of being lied to and betrayed. Just remember the transgender has been pretty much lying to themselves for a lot longer time.
So everyone is different and every situation is unique to the people involved, but being respectful and mindful of the uniqueness of each situation will very often help ease the pain.
(All Rights Reserved)
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