What about family and friends? How does one deal with that

The other morning a question was posed to me that did get me to thinking about my transition in terms that I hadn't thought about lately and I appreciate the question because it is important to remember.
It was about my last blog and it did indeed bring up more questions. The answers there are from my perspective and experiences.
That question was, Is it always so easy to transition from one gender to another?
I have to say no, it is not easy at all for anyone to transition from one gender to another, you just know that it is something that is driving you and that you do need to do. Some people know from the time that they are little kids and constantly fight to be that person regardless of what anyone else says. But the large majority of people struggle and deny this fact about themselves for years before reaching a point where it overshadows just about everything in their lives.
This of course does have its own effect as far as how your life may have been different, but an even more costly effect is that on the family members, especially if the transgender has been in denial for years.
It is extremely important to remember that to family and even close friends this is in a sense very much like a death to them. They will experience very much all of the same emotions that one suffers with such a lost. This is the same as being the lost of a parent, sibling or friend. There will be denial, anger, loss, and hopefully acceptance at some level. Hopefully there will be acceptance early on, but one does need to be understanding if it doesn't happen overnight. So another part of this process is patience on the transitioning persons' part. It is very important to be honest as possible without trying to dictate how they should be blindly accepting of you, whenever you are dealing with those individuals. They are entitled to their emotions and need that time to adjust and go through those stages.
For the sake of being able to answer the question as fully as I can, I am going to get very personal at this time. One of my biggest fears is the idea of losing my son, his wife and my granddaughter over my need to transition. Some of my greatest and happiest moments in my life are around these three people. Every moment of the birth of my son has been etched into my mind and heart, nothing can ever replace that. Then the birth of my granddaughter came along and pushed itself in next to his birth. So now there are two memories that I will never lose. When he introduced me to his then girlfriend and now wife I was overjoyed for him and my granddaughter. This woman that he married was the blessing that I had hoped for him for so long. She is a wonderful and strong woman that has worked alongside of him in raising a beautiful young lady and now that special place has three much cherished memories. With the announcement that a second grandchild is on the way there will be four moments in my life that cannot be replaced by anything.
This has all happened despite my own failings as parent. It is very hard for a child of anyone to feel any consistency when they have a parent who is constantly being pulled by a inner drive that they don't even understand and suddenly years later comes the shock that in a sense that their parent isn't who they thought they were. The only emotions that I can remotely come up with for someone who is not a transgender is the one if they were adopted and never told until years later and I don't know if that would be enough of a shock to match the shock one feels when someone tells their family that they are about to change their gender.
In my case I constantly fluctuated back and forth between genders that whole time but under the guise of being gay, because that was the way I had interpreted my GID, not knowing that it was something completely different. I pretty much hid my need to be a female knowing that it was just something that I wanted but I also had responsibilities and couldn't be because I was born in this body that said I wasn't a female.
I was also very careful not to "put it in his face" but be respectful of him and his friends so I wouldn't embarrass him too much. I know that this does sound like an excuse but it is not.
It was the reality that I and because he is my son we both had to deal with. The behaviors that grew out of the denial vs need were very destructive and he as well as I both paid a price.
The fact that he has turned out to be such a good man with a family that most would envy speaks volumes of the human ability to persevere thru adversity. But now that I have fully started my transition a whole new set issues arise and need to be addressed, like I said this is very much like a death and time is the only thing that can heal the wounds that this can cause. It would be absolutely wonderful if there was total acceptance from the very first moment but people process things differently and at different rates. Also in this case because of my granddaughters' age that needs to be taken into consideration. How much would she understand about her grandpa changing like this.
In no way would I ever expect or require them to call me mom or grandma. To my thinking this would be so very disrespectful to not only those individuals, but also to my son his wife and my granddaughter.
So what do they call me? Even though I am different now I will still always be dad or grandpa to these people and in all fairness I cannot take that away from them, especially if I desire to continue my relationship with them.
If they determine that they need to address me by my new name and there will be times that it may be necessary, that will also be ok with me. I think that it would be appropriate when in public settings. It would respectful to me to do so under those circumstances.
The fact that they do acknowledge my change and are as being as supportive as they can be given the circumstances, that is really all I can ask for at this time. I need to let them have their grief or feelings of confusion and lost and come to their own level of acceptance.
Does this make it any easier? Of course not, transition is one of the most difficult and dangerous decisions that a person can make in their lives. The possibility of loss is so great that there are many who do not even try, but for those few that do, it is because the drive is so strong to have their mind and body match that they are willing to risk everything. I have often said that "This is not something that you wake one morning and do on a whim." To not recognize its effect on others is very selfish and self-centered.
This very thought has been pointed out to me often by one person who is not as supportive as I had hoped or thought would be. In fact, they have refused to acknowledge certain portions my transition and at times it seems that they go out of their way to point out certain things to me. This behavior is not acceptable and very disrespectful, although they claim to be a very honest and respectful individual. Again I think a large part of this is their lashing out at something that they do not understand or are in denial that it is real and it being a part of that grieving process,
There is one more emotion that I have not talked about that is a very large part of this and that is the feelings of betrayal that can manifest. The people around you can very much feel that they have been betrayed by you when you start transition. Think about it, here are people that have known this one person for years and then suddenly that person is not who they say they are, they may still look the same for the most part but they have also changed and expect you to catch up to them now. My therapist explained this as being one of those situations where as a transgender, you have been this one person inside of themselves for years and now that she is finally allowed to come out there is an unrealistic expectation that everyone else has to catch up and recognize this new person over night. One thing that is important to recognize is that this is not a thing of being dishonest with those around you, but it does create feelings that are very similar to those of being lied to and betrayed. Just remember the transgender has been pretty much lying to themselves for a lot longer time.
So everyone is different and every situation is unique to the people involved, but being respectful and mindful of the uniqueness of each situation will very often help ease the pain.
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