Why? Why? Why?

Right up front I will say this is a rant to begin with, but it is also an explanation too.
The other morning, it was one of those mornings where absolutely nothing is going right for me. I think we all have those mornings that we think or feel like no matter what we do we wind up looking like the Joker from the new Dark Knight movie. The hair, which I really wish I had more of anyway and even the makeup takes on a life of their own. On top of that to add insult to injury the whole mess was not being able to be rid of what little stubble I have on my chin. Yes it still exists much to my dismay.
My electrolysis tech at Auburn Skin (Carol is wonderful) has requested that I not clear the area that we will work on for at least two days before my next appointment because what I do have is so light and it makes it easier for her to get the hairs completely. Unfortunately, in my case it is stiff and stands out, especially to me. If I put on makeup it glows like its neon which only makes it stand out even more. This morning not only do I have to deal with that but it seems like nothing else is going right either. My hair is fighting back, my clothes don't seem to fit right, even my bra is laughing at me and then I had to run a couple errands looking like the cat lady from the Simpsons and I see this absolutely stunning woman who has a figure that I would kill to have. The first thought that forces its way to the front of my mind when I saw her was, why me? Why couldn't I have been born like that? Curse genetics, curse fate, curse my parents, curse everything and everyone at the moment.
I think every Transgender regardless of which transition (M2F or F2M) feels the same way sometimes if not most of the time. Some are extremely lucky in that their transition is much smoother because of genetics, already looking very feminine, having a higher pitch to their voice naturally, but also being lucky enough to have started their transition much earlier point in their life, before so many of the masculine traits that we hate so much have set in.
I am noticing in my own transition that I am at a kind of a mixed bag of traits point and that is so very frustrating. My mind is telling me that I'm not a guy, but yet when I look in the mirror I still see some of those traits and it makes me wonder if I'll ever look more feminine.
Once I get dressed, do my makeup and hair, then I do look a bit more like what I feel, but I know that I'll never look like or sound like Halle Berry. Ok, reality check even natal women want to look like her and even she has days when she doesn't look like Halle Berry, but you understand what I mean.
I was reading a story written by a Transgendered woman that said, "I am who I am" and "I am the same person that I've always been" she says that those are cop-out statements. While she does say that as a transgender we aren't the same person that we were before we started is true, I think it is only true to a certain point, but I do not think that they are cop out statements, our personalities are rooted pretty deeply and regardless of our physical changes, our personality will change some but not completely because of who we are at the core of our being.
I have to say that in my case I am very much the same person at least personality wise in some ways and I've changed a great deal in other ways. I know that my sense of humor hasn't changed a lot and I still do consider it my best weapon, but I've also noticed that my level for compassion and acceptance of others has risen a great deal. I'm sure a part of that is also due to my own journey that I am taking, but it is still a huge change over the way I used to be.
Ok, back on topic, Sure I wish my voice was more of a higher feminine pitch, but I also recognize that it is not going to happen a great deal, although I've been told by a few that have known me for awhile that they have noticed that it has changed some since I started my transition, but anyway I try to not worry about it too much. On mornings like this even that can fail me and I then feel miserable and somewhat at a lost. I do know that it will not deter me from following through with my transition because being a woman is a core part of who I am as a person.
So, anyway, I went into the clinic for my hormone shot and surprisingly I felt a lot better an hour later. Hmmm, I wonder if the levels were down a little?
Another strange thing was that I'd lost 4 pounds since last week, which is good but weird because after a month of being sick and not being able to eat because of two different dental procedures I hadn't lost an ounce of weight. Anyway, my mood soon lifted and I was a much happier girl. I also had my appointment with Carol and she is such a sweetheart. Not only did she make me feel better with her words of encouragement, but she even treated me to an eyelash tint and extensions. My eyes look so much better. I just love modern technology, she puts them on one at a time and they do look natural when she's done. It’s a bit pricey for the initial set but it's not too bad for the maintenance if you want to keep them on. To me it is well worth it, because I feel that my eyes are on of my better assets and I figure it's really no different than getting my nails done every couple weeks.
By the time I got to work I was feeling a 100 times better about myself and the world in general. It really felt really good when my BFF Carrie noticed my eyes right off and complimented me on getting them done. That felt really good; thanks (HUGS) and this whole thing got me to thinking.
Just about every girl that I've ever met has had the experience of growing up with that female companionship of best friends that shared in doing everyday things like hair, makeup, clothes, etc. You know, the advantage of sharing everything with each other as best girlfriends tend to do. I know for myself that it is one of the things that I had always envied about girls when I was growing up and even to this day I still feel like that I've have missed out on so much. Just about every Transgender that I've talked to about this has agreed with me, they too felt like they had missed out.
I know that I would have accepted my being Trans much earlier and more than likely would have begun my transition much earlier in life. Who knows how far along I'd be by now. It's very easy to look back and feel regret and get down on myself over it. As if we probably don't have enough regret over our lives already, this is just one more thing to add on to the pile and that makes it easy to get depressed and not take any action all. This is one area I refuse to wade around in for very long anymore and because I don't tend to show or hang around with regret for long I get accused of not caring as if they have something to do with each other anyway. To me they are very different critters, they just sometimes fool you into thinking that they are the same.
One of the things that I have found that helps is to continuingly seek out positive people and along with working to maintain my self esteem which is also critical to being accepted by others.
I believe that people see the positive in others and respond to it. This important because then you get to respond in kind to them. With that comes acceptance as you learn more about that person and from there friendships are built. Like those that I was talking about.
To find a friend in someone like that makes it possible for a girl to occasionally immerse themselves in frivolity and trivia and emerge not only looking and feeling a thousand times better, but with a renewed confidence and strength. I believe, as in my own case, that is why we value such friendships so highly. It's not just the acceptance factor but the inclusion to the world that we missed out on when we were at that age when things started changing (puberty) and only got to watch from the sidelines with so much envy.
So to my BFF's, I love ya bunches, because you help me everyday become way that I should have been born. And to those, both the men and women that I know at work and other places, that treat me with acceptance, respect and recognize me as a girl or as a woman, thank you, thank you, thank you, you can't imagine how much it means to me.
It means everything to be acknowledged as the person you are, as someone special, even if it just something as simple as saying hello Stephanie or Stevie.
And that acknowledgement is strength that allows me to be who I am even more.
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